At this time of year nostalgia is strong. Nostalgia can often be a fantasy, a yearning for something we never actually had but feel we need in a very strong part of us. Something we might fool our selves into believing we nearly had. Yes we do deserve it, we just can’t get it from the past. As counter intuitive as it sounds, it can be really difficult staying away from a person who has/does hurt you. Especially at this time of year. Ultimately, I think, we can want an abusive person to accept and validate us. And in some cases the longer the hurt goes on, the more we want to fix it. For me, I struggle with the idea that the trauma was all for nothing. That I was hurt, abused, and scarred for life and that’s it. Done. Live with it. No do-overs, no backs, no nothing. The desire to go and fix it, make it better, make them see, is really strong. Especially as through the work I’ve done on myself I’ve come to understand so much more about my abusive parent and their own pain, trauma, and underlying motivation.
But it’s a fantasy really isn’t it? A desire for something that has gone. A wish to concentrate those good moments I might have had, or could still have, with my parent into some blurry, glowing nostalgia dream that leaves out all the mess and reality. I understand why I want it. I also understand that sadly it’s not mine to have. Yet somehow I feel I can never escape what could have been.
Maybe the nostalgic desire to go back is a desire to be hurt more, reminded of the pain in a very vivid way. It’s weird how trauma can find ways to keep reminding you it’s there. Or maybe it’s a desire to heal – if I heal this relationship, this thing that should have been safe for me, then maybe I can heal. Going back and trying to work with my parent, even though now, a decade after beginning my journey to move on, they have “mellowed with age” would itself be traumatic. Fortunately, for various reasons, it’s relatively easy for me to stay away physically. Staying away mentally is a whole different challenge, and this time of year particularly is triggering. At this point nostalgia around my childhood home is just traumatic in itself. Nostalgia and C-PTSD are kind of living in the same place – memory, emotion, sensory experience, loss.
For many there is no closure, or separation. Maybe you are having to see abusive people at this time of year and it isn’t as simple as just staying away. And added with all the pressure around fitting into a nice, tidy little Christmas narrative it can just become a horrible time of year all round. In that case, it’s just shit isn’t it? Just remember it’s not you, it’s them.
A friend of mine recently shared with me their acceptance of Christmas as a turning on of the lights in the dark. A distraction from the bleakness of mid-winter. I thought that made sense, and it made me think about what turning the lights on in the dark means for me. What does it mean for you?
And if there is no light in the dark for you at this time of year, then I wish you the best in just getting through it and into the new year safely, intact, and prepared to move forward.
Just another aging, traumatised millennial. Exploring trauma, mental health, addiction and "recovery" through the voice of lived experience.
Bad Glue for Broken Bones 